Stop Asking Where I'm From

Pretty News – Ew, Goopy Gwyneth Paltrow needs to cram it, too

Written By: humarashid - Jun• 14•11

Gwyneth Paltrow hates peasants. We’re uneducated because we don’t learn the lessons of life from Tibetan monks, we’re poor because we buy our nail clippers at Walmart instead of having them flown in on a private jet from Solingen, Germany, we use drugstore shampoo instead of the placentas of Slow Lorises, we’re unhealthy and have plebeian tastes because we like banana pudding milkshakes at Chick-Fil-A instead of eating birds’ nest soup in Hong Kong, and we’re uncultured because we watch South Park and hit up downtown salons for mani-pedis instead of going to five hundred year old opera houses in Austria to watch storks play four hours of Philip Glass “music” and jetting off to Morocco to have eight thousand caterpillars spin silk for our meditation cocoon that gets rid of wrinkles, reverses graying, and makes the delicate webbing between our fingers and toes slightly translucent, which everyone knows is a standard of true beauty.

God, does Goopy Gwyneth hate our stupid peasant asses.

Goopy also hates us because we’re fat. No, she apparently really does hate fat people, per Ross Matthews’s account of her recoiling in horror at his corpulence.

Last November, Gwyneth Paltrow gave Ross Mathews, the late night TV comic from Chelsea Lately – a little tough love.

“We were taping a Chelsea special,” Mathews, 31, tells PEOPLE, “and she pointed at my tummy and said, ‘What’s going on here? I love you. Get it together.”

That was all the motivation needed by Mathews – who was tipping the scales at around 220 lbs. After seeing his friend Sara Rue lose 50 lbs. on Jenny Craig, he signed up in January to be the diet company’s newest spokesperson.

“The weight was such a shameful issue for me,” he admits. “I’m so happy to be rid of it.”

Yeah. She pointed at his stomach and said, “What’s going on here? I love you. Get it together.”

…Ew. What an atrocious thing to say to someone’s face.

Supposedly, Matthews is one of her ‘dearest friends’ or whatever, but he’s nowhere near as rich or famous as she is, plus he’s an American peasant, so you just know he’s one of her D-list friends that she says is one of her ‘dearest friends’ so she can treat him like crap and make fun of his chub to his face.

Also, yes, this is kind of a non-story. I admit, I really just wanted to make fun of Gwyneth Paltrow because she is SO EASY TO MOCK BECAUSE SHE IS ENDLESSLY RIDICULOUS.


I’m a bad peasant. Bad.

Goopy is decidedly NOT amused.


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