The Reasonably Prudent Law Student

Melanie writes,

Hey, Ms. Fashionista. Want to find me a sexy little black pea coat? Hits at about the thighs? No real price limit. It’s almost Christmas. :) And most importantly, one that doesn’t make me look like a blob. You know? A slightly tailored look at the waist?

Yay! I love peacoats! I’m happy to put together a few cute ones that go up to about $200 – let’s keep things reasonable. :) But I’ll add in one or two designer coats just in case you guys are interested. You’ll be able to tell by the monster price tag. Hah.

So let’s start thinking about some coats that Melanie, who is already adorable, would look even MORE adorable in.

I’m semi-proofing this right now, basically just cleaning out profanity that I think will offend your delicate sensibilities, and I’m telling you, hilarity will follow. Where do I come up with this stuff? I should be institutionalized so they can study me.

1. From Ann Taylor ($159.99)

Melanie liked this one, and I like it, too. Look at the cute cuffs, and the high neck, and the rounded collar, and the length is pretty cute, and it doesn’t really nip in, but it has a nice, slim shape, and even though I’m not a fan of double-breasted anything, I’m much more forgiving when it’s on a coat. I even own 2 double-breasted coats! Imagine that.

OMG.

A Victoria’s Secret bombshell bra commercial just came on and Mama Hoomster, who is definitely having an involved conversation on the phone, went HUMA CHANGE THE CHANNEL because my 16 year old brother, who has the remote, is sitting here and she doesn’t want him to know that bewbs exist until his wedding night when he presumably will ask his  wife what those odd protuberances on her chest are and if he should perhaps ring for the doctor before they start snuggling. That’s probably what Mama Hoomster’s hoping for.

If she only knew. This kid definitely already knows what bewbs are. I’m sorry, I thought this was America. What did you think they were talking about when they said, purple mountain majesties?

That’s right.

Anyway.

2. Juicy Couture “Lana” Coat at Bloomingdale’s ($425)

Look at how beautiful this is. I can’t imagine paying $425 for one coat, but look at this.

First of all, it’s a Lana coat. And I LOVE Lana from the Superman cartoons (the one in Smallville, played by Kristen Kreuk, is BEAUTIFUL but annoying). So it’s all coming together accordion to plan. (Remember The Rugrats? And how Angelica, the evil three year old, would say that because she didn’t know it was ACCORDING to plan? God I loved that show.)

Second, it’s got the little puffed sleeves that are this year’s shoulder pads, and those project the image of confidence and competence and are SO much better than those shoulderpads in the 1980s that made women look like linebackers.

Third, it’s got those adorable little pearled buttons. LOVE. PEARLED. BUTTONS. ON. BLACK. My mom had this black wool sweater that was so comfy and amazing, and it had pearled buttons and she gave it to me. Then I accidentally put it in the washing machine and it shrank and I was heart broken, so then I did some research and came up with a way to unshrink shrunken wool sweaters.

Basically, you take the shrunken sweater (or any wool sweater, if you want to wash/clean it and not dry-clean it) and you put it in a basin of warm water. Add some hair conditioner (I use Aussie 3 minute miracle) and just swoosh it around so that it all gets mixed up in there. It’s going to smell AMAZING. Leave it to sit for like 15 minutes in the basin in the sink.

After 15 minutes, take the sweater out and just squeeze your hands up and down the sweater to get rid of some of the water. DO NOT WRING. Then press the sweater against the side of the sink to get rid of some more water. Lay it flat on a towel (or maybe two towels, layered) and then pull and tug and stretch it into shape.

On my sweater, the sleeves had always been a touch long, and they were shrunken, and the whole body was, so I just tugged the body of the sweater because that was all I needed. When it’s stretched out, just leave it like that to dry. When it’s half dry, you can hang it up on a hanger, but I just left mine on the towel. Ta-da! Salvaged!

Anyway, third, pearled buttons.

Fourth, it’s got that sleek silhouette. How darling is that? And the gently rounded collar? Precious!

If you’re willing to drop some serious dough, make this the coat you pick.

3. Double Breasted Notch Collar at Lord & Taylor ($156)

If you want a longer coat, this one is pretty nice. It’s got a nice, clean shape, large spread collar that can be flattering, and a doubled breast with neat buttons.

4. Drop Waist Belted Wool Coat at Victoria’s Secret ($129)

I’ve waged a war for a very long time against dropped waists, but it’s not bad on this coat at all. I’m sorry for not being able to find a decent picture; the VS site has gone crazy. They’re trying to do all this fancy crap with their pictures, and they do it at the expense of actually having good pictures up front without making users zoom around and do crazy things.

Picture this coat in black with its cute buckles and buttons and the funky lines. I think it’s darling. I’d definitely wear it. In fact, my brother just saw that gleam in my eyes and took my wallet from my bag, which is at my feet.

:)

Aw. I love how he’s always looking out for me.

…

Aaaaaand now he’s stealing a $20. Little bastard.

5. Double Breasted Wool Coat at Victoria’s Secret ($149)

This is super cute. It’s got the faux-belt at the nipped in waist, the cute buttons all the way down the double-breast, high neck, awesome collar, and the neat pockets, and I’m digging the slight tulip flare after the waist.

Oh, yeah, picture this in black, because it’s available in black.

6. Button Front Wool Coat at Victoria’s Secret ($79)

If you’re looking for a longer one, this one would also work. I like the tabbed belt on the front; that’s interesting.

7. Puff Sleeve Coat at Victoria’s Secret ($119)

Picture this one in black, too.

I like that it’s got a single row of buttons, and we’ve already talked about why puffed sleeves can be flattering. I especially like the round, spread collar on this one – interesting that they veered away from the straight-point look.

And check out those leather bits that nip in at the waist to emphasize the hourglass shape. That style will definitely preclude Melanie from looking like a blob. Not that she ever could – you’d know what I meant if you saw her. Girlfriend is straight up adorable and looks cute in everything and makes me jealous. But I can’t be mad at her for it, either, because that would be like being mad at a teddy bear and if you’re legitimately mad at a teddy bear, you are (1) a douche and (2) certifiably insane because DUDE IT’S A TEDDY BEAR.

Good. I’m glad we are all in agreement about not supporting anger directed at teddy bears.

8. Seamed Peacoat at Victoria’s Secret ($109)

This is a nice look, too. Very clean and simple, with a nipped in waist, neat bibbed buttons, and a cute floppy collar. That’s Miranda Kerr, my favorite VS model, wearing the coat, and she doesn’t look that adorable, for some reason. I think it’s just a bad angle for her, because she’s so freaking CUTE. She reminds me of a little koala.

9. Classic Pea Coat at Victoria’s Secret ($99)

And if you’re just sick of life and everything is terrible and all you wanted was a goddamn peacoat and I’m being a complete whore and showing you things you don’t care about that are eating at your soul because your time is important and you don’t give a crap about which model I think resembles which Australian mammal and DID YOU MENTION THAT ALL YOU WANTED WAS A GODDAMN PEACOAT, then this is the goddamn pea coat for you.

It’s classic. That’s all there is to say about it. Look at it. If Oxford still had pictures, and you looked up ‘peacoat,’ this is what you’ll see. Yay.

There we have it! A bunch of peacoats that you guys should like because I say so.

Aaaaand I just got a note from Mel and she said she went to Victoria’s Secret and found ten she wanted right away, making this post useless.

But I’m posting it anyway BECAUSE I CAN. Ahahaha! Foolish mortals!