OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I am in so much pain. Last time I enter a jalapeno eating contest for a grand prize of $5M. And by ‘jalapeno eating contest for a grand prize of $5M,’ I mean pissing contest for bragging rights. Seriously. Worst. Decision. Ever. Because now, a full twelve hours later, my insides are on fire.
But I won! :-D I smoked the competition like you wouldn’t believe. Thank you, Indian subcontinental constitution. Heartburn? Ulcer? Liquified GI tract? Pffffffft. I laugh in the face of your weak bodily disorders. Or I would, but it hurts to do anything but sit in the fetal position.
BUT I WON.
And Eustace is soooooo proud, because this jalapeno eating contest added another floor, I think, to the little house he’s built in my tum-tum. He’s hoping for a tennis court next, but I’m out of crushed red peppers and chili garlic chutney, so he’ll just have to wait until the next time I go to Target.
IwonIwonIwon. And I might have made one of my competitors cry a little. Hahaha. All the more sweet.
Guys, this is why I am what is called a boy-girl. I think like a boy. Almost ALWAYS. Everyone tells me this. My girly aspects are crushed by my boy-brain that tells me being jealous or petty or insecure or wanting to snuggle is dumb and I should get the hell over myself and see who can chug that thing of root beer faster, or go watch a demolition derby thing or get in my car and drive for three hours or go tinker with that broken clock or something.
I’m also OBLIVIOUS to romantic signals from the opposite sex. Shit just doesn’t compute. While you’re pining away for me, I’m trying to see which one of us can throw rocks at cars (0r nerds) with the most consistency and accuracy.
Anyway, so, yeah. I’m in tremendous pain because my penchant for bragging rights (it doesn’t really matter what these bragging rights pertain to, just that they are mine) is so strong, so if this post deteriorates into random tick marks, you know that I’ve probably taken hand and fled to have my tum-tum pumped. Or replaced altogether, which, frankly, is the most attractive prospect right now.
But until then, let’s talk of pretty things.
Cotton Rib Belted Polo Sweater Dress ………. $49
Eva Shoe ………. $24.99
Chain Strap Satchel in Cooling Cranberry ………. $18.47
I picked a pretty sweater dress from, shocker, Victoria’s Secret. It’s long, it’s got cute sleeves, a nice collar, and it’s silhouette skimming. Plus, you know how I feel about sweater dresses in general when they’re styled right: they’re just so classic and timeless and subtly sexy.
I paired the dress with a pair of black shoes that tie in with the buttons and the ribbon on the deep, rich, cranberry colored bag. It stands out from the neutral dress and the plain black shoes, and luckily it’s a cute satchel with an adorable ribbon. So we’re good.
Oh, God. Pardon me while I go vom.
Keep it classy, Hoomster.
