The Reasonably Prudent Law Student

Before, we talked about how the MENSA members at Ralph Lauren proved not once, but twice, just how much they sucked at Photoshop. I’m no expert at Photoshop by any means, but I can fool around with it enough for my own purposes. That’s why it cracks me up when companies like Ralph Lauren and others hire professionals to manage their ad campaigns and retouch their pictures, and it still looks so half-asparagussed, as my Labor Law professor would say.

I give you this little gem from discount makeup company E.L.F. (I swear by their concealer, their horsehair brushes, these candy lip gloss tins, and their mineral lines. The rest of the stuff, you couldn’t pay me to use, but these things? LOVE ‘EM.)

Seriously.

Also, I didn’t doctor this image at ALL. I literally just grabbed it from my inbox and posted it here. No monkey business.

DUDE CHECK OUT HER WONKY EYES. The eyeliner has obviously been cleverly applied or Photoshopped in to give her a ghoulish look, and there is no way that is the actual size of her irises. They were DEFINITELY enlarged to emphasize the other-wordly look.

AND JESUS CHRIST ON A STICK WHAT IS WRONG WITH HER LIPS?! Look at them! They’re flesh-toned and all red on the inside! Now, perhaps this is a visual reading or interpretation of Derrida’s analysis of the kiss in Le Toucher, about how the kiss is the most extreme form of touching because the lips are the only locus on the body where the inside emerges on the outside, and during the actual lip lock, the intimate insides of two beings touch.

Or….this is one of those ideas that was REALLY good on paper and really creepy in execution. Because, and I might be going out on a limb here, reading critical theory into a representational picture meant to sell makeup might be overreaching a little. I mean, just consider the intended audience alone – it hardly seems that Derrida ranks up there with which gloss color best compliments one’s skin tone.

Misogyny aside, SERIOUSLY. LOOK AT HER LIPS. Personally, I’m not a fan of flesh-toned lips. On me. I can’t pull it off. And if you’re doing flesh-toned lips, you have to go with a lip color that’s two shades lighter (at least) than your actual skin color. It looks good on Princess Rihanna, and atrocious on me. So boooo to flesh-toned lips.

But it looks like she’s all bleeding and mutilated on the inside, and I don’t know about you guys, but that does NOT make me want to buy lip gloss, even if the colors are part of the Candy Tin line. Because when I think bleeding and mutilated lips, like mine during these Chicago winters, I think of Vaseline. Loads and loads of Vaseline.

(Word of advice: If your lips are just dry and a little chapped, use a waxy lip balm – Burt’s Bees, Chapstick, or my favorite, CocoCare, whatever. But if your lips are seriously chapped and actually cracking, then smear on some Vaseline because it really gets down in there and heals the cuts.)

Anyway, back to the Photoshop phuckery at hand….who thought this was a good idea?!

And whoever did…hire me. I promise I can do better Photoshop work than this. Pinky promise.